Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Hour 1: Jay Santos of Citizens Auxiliary Police says sex offenders are not such bad people once you get to know them. His brother Carl, for example, is a past offender but is a great guy and has a huge train collection. Jay says you should introduce yourself and find common interests to take their mind off of sexual improprieties.

Hour 2: Everyone’s favorite carpenter, Chester Shunt, comes on to demonstrate home hurricane fortification. Using wood planks, he inadvertently fashions a giant cross and literally crucifies himself. Bobbie Dooley calls in to hype her appearance on tomorrow’s show. She believes hurricanes are, “God’s way of flushing the toilet,” and doesn’t understand why that statement might be offensive.Jim Randelphi, of the California Chamber of Commerce, claims the new law that officially bans sex with corpses will kill the state’s necrophilia tourism industry.

Hour 3: Jeff Dowder has some tips for protecting yourself in inclement weather. For example, don’t go outside wearing a tin foil hat shaped like an antenna during a lightening storm. In this flashback, Margaret Grey claims Teresa Heinz-Kerry is a stronger woman than Barbara Bush. She urges all John Kerry supporters to dip tampons in Heinz ketchup and fly them proudly from their car antennas. On “Sew Me Up So Tight I’m Talking Through a Hole in My Face,” Sheila Skelly and Dr. Jack Briscoe invite Joan Rivers into the studio to discuss her many procedures. It’s revealed that much of the plastic in Joan’s face actually contains the explosive C-4. All is well until someone decides to kiss her cheek…Greg Groom, gardener extraordinaire, is in the studio to teach the gang tips for appreciating nature’s wondrous aromas. He suggests using your fingers to pull your nostrils as far apart as possible, to get as much scent as you can. Just make sure your hands are clean.