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"They make sure the sperm donors are healthy and put together well but they don't tell the mothers the race of the donors." Show Log For Thursday July 5, 2012Bobbie and Steve Dooley popped in tonight to talk about a new fertility clinic they "support" that is very "feminist." They make sure the sperm donors are healthy and put together well but they don't tell the mothers the race of the donors.... That's racist.... with Warren Benmen, Austin Amarca, Bud Dickman and Robert Leonard...
Jason Robert Brown is a contemporary composer who discovered his sheet music being "traded" without his permission. He decided to contact one of the people "trading" it on a website devoted to such things and ask her to stop. He published his exchange with this woman. Notice her logic. It is precisely, dead-on and exact in its similarity to every other person engaged in on-line piracy. It's unbelievable but true. Mr Brown picks up the story: "Her email comes in to my computer as "Brenna," though as you'll see, she hates being called Brenna; her name is Eleanor. I don't know anything about her other than that, and the fact that she had an account on this website and was using it to trade my music. And I know she is a teenager somewhere in the United States, but I figured that out from context, not from anything she wrote.On Jun 9, 2010, at 2:38 PM, Brenna wrote: Sorry. I'm not understanding what you want. I don't think I've ever traded with you before so I don't think I have any of your stuff to trade. If I have and am, however, and if u have a problem with it, I'll of course stop. But please explain to me what I have and how I'm doing something wrong. Thanks! Sorry. ~actinggirlOn Jun 9, 2010, at 5:52 PM, Jason Robert Brown wrote: Hi Brenna: I'm actually me, Jason Robert Brown, and you're offering several of my songs and scores for "trade" on this website. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that, since it affects my livelihood considerably when people can get free copies of my work from strangers and I don't get anything in return. I'm glad you like my songs and I hope you'll keep playing and singing them, but please don't "trade" them on the Internet, especially with people you don't know. Many thanks, JasonOn Jun 9, 2010, at 4:36 PM, Brenna wrote: Let me get this straight. You expect me to believe that you are Jason Robert Brown. THE Jason Robert Brown. And that you have taken the time to go onto random websites and create an account just to message people not to trade your sheet music? I don't mean to be rude, but can you see how I have a bit of trouble believing that? On Jun 9, 2010, at 7:41 PM, Jason Robert Brown wrote: Well, I am me – what would anyone else's motivation be for doing this? You're getting an email from my actual email address, I don't know what else would convince you, but I can assure you that I really would like you to stop trading my songs online. Thanks, J.On Jun 9, 2010, at 7:43 PM, Brenna wrote: Quite frankly, there could be a lot of people with motives for doing this. A creeper who thinks he could eventually "prove" that he is who you're claiming to be by getting me to meet with him. Some kid who thinks it's funny to pretend to be a genius composer and get an aspiring actress excited. It's not hard to create an email address with that name in it. I'm just not lucky enough to have someone as famous as Jason Robert Brown email me. It's not something I could easily believe. On Jun 10, 2010, at 12:03 am, Jason Robert Brown wrote: Suit yourself, Brenna, but if you can take down my stuff, I'd appreciate it. Thanks. J.On Jun 9, 2010, at 9:20 PM, Brenna wrote: I've taken down your music, but if you're really Jason Robert Brown, I'd like to ask you a question. Why are you doing this? I just searched you on this site and all of the stuff that people have of yours up there say that it's "Not for Trade Per Composer's Request." Did you think about the aspiring actors and actresses who really need some good sheet music? If you're really who you claim to be, then I assume you know that Parade, Last Five Years, 13 The Musical, etc. are all genius pieces of work and that a lot of people who would love to have that sheet music can't afford it. Thus the term "starving artist." Performers really need quick and easy ways to attain good sheet music and you're stopping a lot of people from getting what they need. It matters a great deal to them that they can get it for free. Why does it matter so much to you that they don't? On Jun 10, 2010, at 12:28 am, Jason Robert Brown wrote: I'll answer your question, but I'd like your permission to post the exchange on my website. Deal? J.On Jun 10, 2010, at 12:31 am, Brenna wrote: absolutely! that would actually be kind of cool. but if you wouldn't mind changing my name in it to "Eleanor." I'm not sure why my iPod put it as "Brenna" but that's not what I go by and I don't like that name. All right, now a couple of weeks went by because it takes me a while to get around to writing these blogs and I have a lot of other stuff going on. Then I got an email from Eleanor yesterday.  On Jun 28, 2010, at 4:39 PM, Brenna wrote:Alright, "Mr. Brown" I have a problem and that problem is your fault. I need the sheet music to "I'd Give It All For You" but thanks to your little stunt, I can't get it. And I cannot just go to the store and buy it. My parents don't support my theatre all that much and they won't buy it for me. And I need it pronto. If you're actually Jason Robert Brown, what can you do to help me with my situation? On Jun 28, 2010, at 7:43 pm, Jason Robert Brown wrote: Well, that's a stupid question, Brenna. If you "needed" to go see Wicked tonight, you'd need to pay the $140 to do it or you just wouldn't be able to go. And if you couldn't go, you'd have to go do something else. Likewise, you should pay for things that other people create, or you should content yourself with the free and legal options available to you. The sheet music costs $3.99, you can download it in one minute, and you're doing the legal and correct thing. That's what I can do to help you" So, you see, I'm not the only prick out there. Additionally, you can see why it's often necessary to use an attorney as people just don't believe they're talking to you
Phil is called tonight by a listener who claims his twin brother has been arrested in Tennessee for murder. Mr. Don Parsley says that he doesn't take charity because his family has never taken charity going back many generations....BUT....if people wanted to call in and donate money for his brother's defense they should donate generously as Don wants someone like "Johnny Cochrane for my brother even though I know Johnny Cochrane is dead." Don claims his brother is innocent because his brother produced two tickets for a Nashville Predators hockey game he claims he was at the night of the murder. Problem is the tickets have a date on them that's one week after the date of the murder....and there wasn't a hockey game that night. Don wonders if his brother hallucinated being at a hockey game. He also says because he and his brother are twins they can read each others minds. And if they aren't together, they can read other peoples minds.
Don Berman agrees with Phil that news helicopter pilots risk their lives to capture the freeway chase shots we all love so much. The chance of collision with another aircraft is high. But Don has audience to grab and ratings to maintain and if a guy has to go nose first into a mountain "what price fame?" As Don was talking he was increasingluy bothered by station manager "Mr. Dean" using an espresso machine right next to Don's desk. Don winds up getting baited hy an intern who tells him "you're gonna get in trouble" when he badmouths Mr. Dean behind his back. Art Griego joins the conversation and Don winds up wishing leprosy on both Art and Phil. Dr. Jim Sadler returns for equal time on the show. Feeling he was treated badly by Phil and Lloyd Bonafide on Monday night when he couldn't pronounce 'laryngectomy' he tells them that as a student he never concentrated on how anything was pronounced. He just wanted to cure people. As a result he can't say things like "laryngectomy' or 'appendectomy.' However, Dr. Sadler ended the hour crying and talking about how he won the "clean and jerk competition for seniors."
 From Cracked  #6 Talking To Her  As we mentioned in this article, attracting a woman can be so easy you don't even realize you're doing it. Of course, most of the methods are totally outside of your control and can only be done on accident.Unfortunately, it turns out there are just as many things you're doing to repel women, again without even knowing it. Don't blame us; it's science.                                                                                                   So you're in a club and--thanks to those eight shots of Jager, each of which you swear is making you exponentially sexier than you were before you downed them--you finally decide to approach the hot chick you've been leering creepily at all night. You've got your game face on and an arsenal of pick-up lines that would slay a Victoria's Secret catwalk. With a perfect storm of raw sex appeal like this brewing all around you, it comes as no surprise to you that the object of your carnal desires is flirting back. But then, just as you're preparing to land your plane at Bonesville International Airport, she starts backing off. Somehow, the more you talk to her, the less smooth you become. When she awkwardly ends the conversation five minutes later you're literally babbling like a moron. A moron with a now totally useless boner. What the Hell Happened?! If you feel like you sound stupid when you talk to women, don't worry, you do. In a recent study, men chatted with attractive women and then were subjected to basic tests. They failed miserably. And when we say "basic tests" we don't mean fourth grade math, either. We're talking not being able to remember your own address (unless you were asked to take a woman there, right, killer?) "Sorry, it appears I have punctured my copy of the test with my boner." Unsurprisingly, the more attractive you find a woman, the worse this effect is and the stupider you will sound when talking to her. The scientists didn't go so far as to say what everyone was thinking (that the effect is caused by blood flowing away from your brain and directly to your junk), but women suffered no such memory lapses at all when tested after chatting with handsome studs like you. However, one of the scientists did say the difference could be down to the fact that women are interested in things other than looks while men are "reproductively focused," which is a much more tactful, scientific way of saying, "Dudes get easily distracted by the thought of boning." #5. Acting Interested OK, maybe you were putting yourself out there too much. After all, in this day and age, for better or for worse, women sometimes like to make the first move right? So, instead of going up to a lady and moronically chatting away, you instead decide to just lean coolly on the bar and smile at the ladies. That way, in their own time, one of them can come over to you and the flirting can commence. Except that none of the ladies you are so very obviously acting interested in ever approach you. What could you be doing wrong now? It's definitely not the hat. What the Hell Happened?! We really enjoy mocking the "Pick-up Artist" community, where guys like this... ...hold seminars on how to reel in women by acting like you don't like them. And dressing like a douchebag. But research shows there is a least a little bit of a factual basis behind their bullshit. In his book The Game, journalist Neil Strauss entered the world of the pick-up artist and learned one important thing: Women like men who ignore them. According to his experience, your best bet at getting a girl is walking up to her group and completely ignoring her, while chatting away to her less attractive friends. Even if those friends are men. We would write that off under our normal rule of "don't believe anything that is also believed by a man in a furry tophat" (and it's saved our lives more than once), but another study came up with hard numbers. The dating site OKCupid.com actually went through their database of pictures men had submitted, and tracked how many contacts each yielded. They studied 7,000 photos and determined that men who didn't look directly at the camera in their profile pictures received more messages on average than men who did. About 50 percent more, in fact, if said picture combined the looking away with an expression of disinterest (smiling drove down the effect some, but still not as much as eye contact). See? No eye contact. No word on how many of those messages were from cam show robots, but still. Now, obviously you can't take this to its logical extreme ("I'll get tons of women if I just never get within 10 miles of one! That's the ultimate expression of disinterest!") because clearly the men in the study were also expressing the fact that they were looking for a mate (or else they wouldn't be on OKCupid). So it's not about total disinterest. The data suggests it's about somehow showing that you're interested, but not in her. #4. Dancing So you've tried it the pick-up artist way, but quickly found that sitting in the corner acting like you don't like women failed to score you any tail. (And you peacocked it out with that feather boa and everything!) But you have a trick up your sleeve: Your sextastic dance moves. After all, dudes have been getting girls this way for thousands of years! Come on, Rightie... just a few inches lower. When you finally get drunk enough to hit the dance floor, in your mind, you're Fred Astaire-ing the shit out of the place. Unfortunately, what you're actually doing is some bizarre alt-new wave version of the robot that has every girl in the room pointing and staring open-mouthed. And not in a good way. But it's OK, because deep in your heart you know one day a girl, hopefully one who looks kind of like Zooey Deschanel, will realize your dancing just means you're a quirky free spirit and she'll have quirky, free spirited sex with you. Fifty years later, you die alone. What the Hell Happened?! Dancing is a high-risk venture. Yes, there's a reason why dance clubs are usually just an orgy waiting to happen. But if you dance badly, you'd have been better off staying far away. Scientists say if you suck at dancing, it signals to women that you're a bad mating partner. It's a subconscious sign that your testosterone levels are lower than average, which means you're not up to a lady's baby-making standards. And your awkward moves on the dance floor may have evolved as a neon flashing sign to warn women to steer clear of you and your inferior DNA. Not evolutionarily fit. This effect only increases as you get older. The awkward "dad dancing" you've seen at every wedding you've ever been to and during that season that Taylor Hicks won American Idol? Those guys were probably John Travolta clones in the 70s and moonwalking in the 80s. But now that they're past their prime sexually, they can't even do the electric slide without it turning into a raucous display of awkwardness and sprained ankles. Seriously, it's not a risk worth taking. Before you bust out the moves this weekend, get yourself to a fertility clinic. If your sperm count is below 60 million/ml then skip the dancing and just chill at the bar. #3. Complimenting Her Looks You've got it this time. After a night of chatting up ladies, acting disinterested and dancing like a seizure victim, a gorgeous woman for some reason comes up to talk to you. Amazingly, you're holding it together and all signs are pointing to the two of you bumping uglies at the end of the night. In an effort to seal the deal, you compliment her on how attractive she is. Moments later, she's scurrying off with the drink you bought her to rejoin her friends and make jokes at the expense of you and your Ed Hardy T-shirt. The Cracked office dress code. What the Hell Happened?! Shockingly, women really do want you to care about more than their great tits. In a study by one of the leading dating sites on the Web, they found that telling a woman she was attractive actually made her more likely to reject you. Also making her more likely to reject you: that collection of Pokemon cards you refuse to dispose of because "they'll make you rich someday." But we digress. Words like "sexy," "beautiful" and "hot" made a woman much less likely than average to respond to your initial overtures. Meanwhile attempting to show interest in her by mentioning some of her pastimes, favorite things, etc. resulted in a much higher than average response. Keep that in mind if you ever get the chance to chat up Megan Fox. Don't tell her she's gorgeous. Talk about all the other things you know she's into like bad acting, terrible tattoos and not wearing a lot of clothes. She'll be yours in no time. Don't forget, "being shinier than a G.I. Joe." #2. Being Nice What more can women want from you? You feign interest in attending their Real Housewives of Orange County viewing parties, listen to their drama with their asshole ex-boyfriend, help get them home free of the risk of date rape when they're really drunk--you even stop by with painkillers to help with their hangover the next morning. There is literally nothing you could do to be nicer to them and yet you're still just a friend, a "great guy," and therefore completely rejected. What the Hell Happened?! We really hate to say it but women are scientifically proven to like "bad boys." Apparently there is something called the "dark triad" (dibs on the band name) of personality traits that still exist and even flourish in humans despite the fact that, evolutionarily, they are bad for the continuation of the species. They include exploitation, thrill-seeking/callous behavior and self-obsession. Since people like this are assholes, science dictates that they should have been bred out of the gene pool a long time ago. Of course, they weren't. And it's because the ladies love bad boys. Scientists found that the higher a man scored on the "dark triad" (seriously, that name is the shit) scale the more sex partners he had had and the more likely he was to be looking for short flings. Assholes have all the fun. Basically, while they won't make great long term partners, for thousands of years women have been engaging in one night stands with "bad boys," getting knocked up and prolonging not only the suffering of man but also the use of Axe Body Spray. You hear that ladies? The self-centered, destructive jerks of the world are all your fault. Try using some self control once in a while. Or, at the very least, a condom. #1. Having the Wrong Name So far, nothing has worked, and that girl you've been putting the moves on up and started dating someone who can only be described as "Jersey Shore-like." Desperate, you attend a singles mixer. One of those things where everyone has to wear a geeky little name tag and guys try to look successful but laid back by wearing both a tie and jeans. Good luck, shit-eyes. Everyone here is looking for a date. There is no way you can strike out. Yet every woman you approach smiles, then glances at your name tag and suddenly turns away. You haven't even said anything yet! What could you POSSIBLY have done to turn her off this time?! What the Hell Happened?! You can blame your parents for this one. Apparently, your first name can drastically influence how successful you are and, yes, even how attractive people consider you. According to a study of 6,000 people, men named Michael, James and David are the clear winners, with all three placing in the top ten for Most Successful, Luckiest, and yes, Most Attractive names. George and Paul on the other hand? Well, just resign yourselves to a life of minimum wage jobs, accidents and loneliness (unless you're a Beatle, apparently). Your best bet is to go for women named Anne, who suffer from the same horrible affliction as you: uglynameitis. YOU SICKEN ME. These scientists are totally serious. One even wrote a book that includes a section helping you change your name as an adult in order to reverse all the misfortune your parents unknowingly saddled you with. So to all the Georges out there, simply start answering to Ryan and the ladies will come flocking. Shit. It's true.

Ep. 16

Tonight Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police talks about safety this summer and how not giving Jay the dates you'll be on vacation could mean your home gets broken into by "Burglar," a new singular denotation of criminals that illegally gain entry to private residences. Don Berman talked with Phil about Antoinette Huff, the brave woman that got a hostage-taker to give himself up in Georgia. Don said that he was involved in something very similar. Only problem is he, Don, was the kidnapper as well as "the victim." Warren Benman, an unfortunate man that fell from a broadcast tower years ago while cleaning the light bulbs, called the show to tell Phil and the crew that he was there the day Don took hostages and was "pistiol-whipped" by Don. Turned out it was a squirt gun but Don was holding a roll of nickels. Doug Dannger thinks they need to cast a real psycho case as Batman because, after all, Bruce Wayne was a solid nut-job. Dannger recommends Tom Sizemore, Owen Wilson, or Haley Joel Osmont because "precocious child actors grow up to be real short with big teeth."

Show Log

"Margaret Grey complained about the name of a Chinese athlete, Dong Dong" Show Log For Friday August 3, 2012Phil talked with a caller from the desert town of Palm Desert, California who wanted his ex-wife to continue storing his furniture even though she has remarried and is living in a new home with her current husband. The caller, Gary, said he felt that he was still "family" to her. He also said that because he made some of the payments on the car she currently has he should get to borrow it.Gary Reger yelling at a security guard out in front of his e-xwife's community. "I wanna see that my furniture's okay." Shoell Heller from Inter Magazine and Ted Bell squared off after Phil made the mistake of bringing Mr. Heller on before Ted. Ted called Heller a "kraut" and demanded to speak with David G. Hall about the slight.  Margaret Grey complained about the name of a Chinese athlete, Dong Dong
It was a madhouse on the show tonight with Bobbie and Steve Dooley claiming they need foodstamps with the US credit rating tanking and the probability of a double-dip recession. But that wasn't what really bothered Bobbie. It was Steve trying to get control of the phone from her. Margaret Grey was put out by news that colonics are bad for ones health, not good, as Margaret and her friends Lee Majors and William Shatner believe. Frank, for his part, doesn't want any of these colonic people "within 500 feet of me. I don't want them anywhere near me even though I love my wife Margaret. He's great." Dr. Jim Sadler and Chris Norton came on the show....Sadler "soaking in a tub" and Norton at the dance club "One Foot" in Redondo Beach...to give their individual takes on feral donkeys being transported from Hawaii and sterilized. Chris is against it because if word gets out donkeys are being sterilized then every adult star that ever used the word "donkey" in their name....guys like 'The Donkey Express" and "Donk Don"... will be discredited and laughed at.
Mr. Don Parsley, author of "A Mother's Sin, A Son's Regret, Hating Your Mother" joined Phil to talk about his self-published book and what inspired it. Parsely claims that he was going to invest in a Savannah bed and breakfast with some other gentlemen but when they called one of Parsley's personal references, his mother Maureen Parsley, she told them about Don's time on a "work farm in Wyoming for posssession with intent to sell of a controlled substance, marijuana" and his early release for good behavior. She thought she was doing Don a favor. But as Don tells it, that ended the deal. "She couldn't keep her buffet-hole shut," said Don. Later, Dr. Ron Tarner talked with Phil and his audience about Ron's 13 year old son Dennis, soon to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world even though the boy has no sailing experience. That doesn't matter, says Dr. Tarner. The boy will learn and be successful thus pushing the name Tarner ahead of Stephen Hawking's in the world of science and discovery. "Hawking just signed an endorsement deal with Hoveraround but this will top that"

Show Log

Don Berman agrees with Phil that news helicopter pilots risk their lives to capture the freeway chase shots we all love so much. The chance of collision with another aircraft is high. But Don has audience to grab and ratings to maintain and if a guy has to go nose first into a mountain "what price fame?" As Don was talking he was increasingluy bothered by station manager "Mr. Dean" using an espresso machine right next to Don's desk. Don winds up getting baited hy an intern who tells him "you're gonna get in trouble" when he badmouths Mr. Dean behind his back. Art Griego joins the conversation and Don winds up wishing leprosy on both Art and Phil.Channel 19 Station manager Mr Dean? Dr. Jim Sadler returns for equal time on the show. Feeling he was treated badly by Phil and Lloyd Bonafide on Monday night when he couldn't pronounce 'laryngectomy' he tells them that as a student he never concentrated on how anything was pronounced. He just wanted to cure people. As a result he can't say things like "laryngectomy' or 'appendectomy.' However, Dr. Sadler ended the hour crying and talking about how he won the "clean and jerk competition for seniors."
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