I’m Ted Bell…. When I say those words they are like gold. They are a kind of currency for me in Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, the LA metro, Southern California, California, the USA, North America and eventually then, after all of that, the film industry. But not eveyone is Ted Bell. Not everyone need only say their name and the ears of movers, shakers and candlestick makers prick up. (Memo to Arlene: Lose the “prick up” phrase. Sounds like I’m talking about popping one in the bone yard just because I’m famous) Some need a more traditional means of barter. I like gold. I’m didn’t want to bore you with the cumbersome economic trivia that goes into making this decision but then Al Waddell, (pronounced wa-DELL) my business associate of some thirty years and our bookkeeper at Ted’s of Beverly Hills told me it would be a good idea….Can I back up? He suggested. I’d rather not give the impression anyone tells me to do anything. So he suggested. He suggested. K? 
I’m Ted Bell
The reason why I like gold as an investment (and again while Al doesn’t tell me to do anything he also suggested I invest in gold but the final call is mine) is because it is solid, hard currency and is valuable. Paper, obviously burns, becomes wrinkled, gets lost, can be torn in half and becomes unusable. Anyone who’s tried to pump a lousy dollar bill into a soft drink machine at the height of the summer’s heat knows what I mean. Gold on the other hand is solid and isn’t going anywhere. Try losing a gold bar. I’d like to meet the soft drink machine that’s going to spit an American Gold Eagle back at me. See what I mean? Now I know many people want to know why, in fancy, economic, stock market currency blah-blah-blah terms I’m investing in gold. To that I say it’s really none of their business because I want to keep my business edge. But I will tell you some of the things I’ve done with gold that no one else has done with gold to show you I know what time it is out here on the street. Okay? So listen up.
Piece of shit
I have had a gold statue of me and my family made and it is right out in front of our house in Beverly Hills. Why? Because the Saudis that parked here for a number of years with those statues and that house they painted some unnatural, Arabian color which sat out on Sunset insulted me as a Western Man who has the common decency to wear shoes and drive a car. (Yes, people that ride camels are FUNNY. See? FUN-nee!) So I’ve had a gold statue made. I also have gold patio furniture. I commissioned a gold toaster and gold kitchenware. You follow? I have purchsed a gold Buddha statue from a dealer in the Far East and it’s going out near the kids water-slide so that just before they hit the water they look up and see a gold, laughing Buddha looking them up and down and they’re reminded of who is hosting their fun and frivolity. Me. (Memo to Al: What if they think Buddha is the reason they’re having fun? Goddammit) And finally I’m having a car made for myself first (and then another for Marcy if I like mine) out of solid gold. G-O-L-D. A gold BMW convertible. All gold. I am told the vehicle will weigh around 12,000 pounds and could sink any ship transporting it from Germany. Ask me if I care. No one else in this town will have one except me. So I don’t care if Godzilla rises up near Catalina and drowns every Christian soul within walking distance (Godzilla walking distance) I’ll have my gold BMW! I’m so distracted now by the thought of the gold car that I’m bored with this blog. Fuck this. Pardon my language. Come on into Ted’s and I’ll make it up to you with a drink or a platter of something.
On order…solid gold
